I wonder how it would feel like to have someone to handle all of it with you?
I always used to tell myself that if I ever encounter a problem, I would resolve it by asking for help and advices from others. But, as I continually grow up, I learned to handle things on my own. I didn’t need any advices from others, nor their help, and especially their comforts. I’ve always saw myself as a people pleaser, since I’ve got their backs always, but I realized that no one got mine. So, whenever things gets out of control, I just lay on my bed, stare at the ceiling, and wonder when it’s gonna end; It doesn’t.
If life was a game, spectating my perspective would be enough to kill someone with a heart problem. Kidding aside, if one were to step foot on my life, and be me, I doubt they’d even survive for atleast a minute. That’s how messed up it is.
To be honest, I didn’t handle it well. I didn’t even know how to handle it. Those heartaches would be enough to kill me in a matter of seconds. I couldn’t piece it all together, I couldn’t get up from the fall. But, I did hide it well from others. I’ve hidden it so well that no one would guess that I’m suffering deep inside. It was indeed a struggle to seal the cap of the bottled feelings I’ve held and kept inside of me, but I did it anyways.
Some would probobly suggest that I ask for advice from people, but how can I? When all my life, all I’ve gained from doing that is invalidation? They’d pretend that they care about you, and tell you that it’s all gonna be okay; the truth is, they just pity you. To be honest, I’m scared to open up my feelings towards someone, I don’t know if they’d use it against me, or even worse, use it as a weapon.
I handle my own healing; it’s far better this way. But, I wish I would feel the comfort of a hug and embrace, while hearing the words “I’m so proud of you for handling it so well” or “I’m so proud that you’re still continuing despite all the hardships life has been throwing at you, you did so great.”
I wonder how does it feel to have someone who you could run to whenever a worry bothers you, without me seeing it as a threat. I wonder how it would feel like if someone were to actually wipe my tears with their own hands, and for once, not my pillow. I wonder how it would feel like to have someone by your side, handling all the struggles in your life, with you.
I guess I’ll never know.
To myself, even if you’re the only one handling your battles with you, I’m so beyond proud of you for still choosing to continually live despite all the chaos in your mind. All the anxieties, trembles, shaking, and crying, I promise you, we’ll replace those with a smile. You’ve handled all those so well. I got your back. Rest assured that I’ll always find billions of reasons for you to continue even if there are billions of you not to. We got this.
