I don’t want to keep trying anymore.
All my life, all I did was try. But, what if I don't want to try anymore?
I strive and strive to be the perfect human being the society aims their telescopes on. I was brainwashed into thinking that my bests weren’t good enough, and they never will be. So, all I’ve aimed for was to be more than enough. I couldn’t let myself stay entitled as “the girl who isn’t capable of doing what others can easily do.”
I've gotten this far. I'm finally the perfect girl that I achieved to be. But, why does it feel so wrong?
"How are you so good at everything?"
"How do you do it so effortlessly?"
"What can you not do?"
All those thrown compliments at me that serves nothing but a reminder of the days where I would break down, thinking I could never be good at anything. But, here I am. I've reached my goal. I can finally hear those words directed at me, and not from a distance, directed to someone else. I'm finally that person. I'm finally perfect.
But the truth is..
I'm not good at everything.
I can't do it effortlessly.
I'm not capable of doing everything, and anything.
All I did was try, try, and try; not aware that I was already emptying every bits of me.
I'm empty from all the attempts to be more than great, to be more than enough, to be perfect. I don't want to try anymore. But, I'm afraid that if I lose the ability to keep on trying, then I would just live my life passing days, and not living it as how I should. I'm scared I would just throw all the efforts I've made into waste, and all would be forgotten. I'm scared to be a nobody.
To be honest, I still continually try and try, just to be called a somebody. I started from being a nobody, and finally I'm somebody. I'm now recognized. But, at what cost?
What's the point of all that, if I'm not happy? I can't seem to put my finger on what I truly want to be, but what I'm certain of is that I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to try to be someone I'm not. I don't want to keep trying to be the best in other's eyes.
I want to be me. I want to be the best in my own eyes, disregarding what the society may think. I want to be brave enough to fully face my imperfections, without me trying to turn it into perfection. I want to be the person who I really strive for, and not the person who they please to see. I want to finally be me.
They can label me as a nobody all they want. But, at the very end of the day, all their opinions towards me won't matter no more. It's all myself that matters. I live in this body of mine, so I will precisely continually live in my own will, together with braveness, righteousness, and virtue. I want to be the best for me, and not the best for everybody nor anybody. I don't want to keep trying for them, anymore. I want to keep trying for myself, this time.
I want to finally find who I truly am, in my own ways, by myself.
